• "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." - George Burns Tweet
• "At school I was very shy. I wasn't funny really." - Michel Gondry Tweet
• "I think it's always funny when you see kids do Shakespeare." - Steve Coogan Tweet
• "One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all." - Zac Efron Tweet
• "When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic." - Jane Wagner Tweet
• "Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny." - Maynard James Keenan Tweet
• "There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." - Henry A. Kissinger Tweet
• "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet." - Saint Augustine Tweet
• "Never put a sock in a toaster." - Eddie Izzard Tweet
• "I think being funny is not anyone's first choice." - Woody Allen Tweet